Sunday, 5 October 2008

Come Undone

It feels like the laughter died down everywhere. There's so much effort to just laugh - easy, happy, loud, infectious.

These days that seems to happen only if I am spasmoed and when it really doesn't matter, or on weekends when those of us still around meet, try to, and succeed in recreating the magic.

There's too much pressure on appearances everywhere. There's too much fear and much more anxiety. People worried how the reception will be if others find out they smoke; that they prefer bedding men to women. Everything.

There's the fear I can sense of someone trying hard not to look deep down into one's own heart and find that all there is, is apathy. That someone could probably be experimenting with one's sexuality. The not knowing if we got the job we'd interviewed for; the finalty of the end of a relationship. The fear of not knowing where a relationship is heading and understanding that may be it's time to collect newer baggage. The fear of the certainty that you are in a job that will always be a job and never really become a passion again. The anxiety that you will not be accepted as you are with the quick wit, the sharp tongue, the heavy-set body.

The world's become a depressing place. It's no longer home. Home happens only on weekends. Fleeting. Over too soon.

And yet I thank god there is that person to come home to, people with whom the laughter can be just as silly and incoherent as you want it to be. Just as ridiculous as posing with a cigarette you no longer smoke so you can get a good picture to upload on Facebook and your chatting profile, on a Sunday evening.

Damn, I miss the laughter. Why does everyone explain the joke too much these days? Or am I being too judgemental and finicky? Why does it feel like my family is breaking apart?

That all that comforting love is only in memory because now we are all just shadows of ourselves. I think it's having been weaned on a staple diet of Eliot that is to blame. Or the fact that you are too intense and you expect too damn much all the time and put up with such little most of the time.

Or may be it's the beginning of the end.

But that's still okay. There's always someone you can go home to when you are all undone. And how many people have that, really? Even if you spend a fortune on international calls to hear that voice telling you all that you need to hear.

It's there. Still.

If you didn't understand the post, that's fine. I'm still trying to make sense of it all too, may be find a reason to smile.


Marvin Grey said...

I stumbled across your blog address on Orkut and had added it to my Google reader. Its got a few blogs listed of friends and some interesting ones including Meenakshi Reddy Madhavan's. No, we don't know each other.

It happens sometimes and happens to everyone. You are comfortable with who you are, what you are doing, you have your routine and it has served you well. Then one or both hits you- (i) Stuff that has been said about it suddenly creeps up. You can handle it on any day, just today it got the better of you. (ii) You question it yourself. It just does not do it for you anymore, you want more, to find your place in it, afraid of the changes and whether you can handle it.

This is a stranger's advice so it may be way off the mark and you should use your discretion..

I think the picture would be clearer in the morning. You will feel better. If not wait. Don't react just yet. Wait till it passes. Then you will know what to do next. Change is not so bad. I am sure you know that already. But you have surely forgotten that wherever your home is, it will never go away. You can come back to it. Change whatever you think will do the trick. If unsure about what to change, then break the routine, place, snooker table.. just this week. Me? I go for a walk, a short trip, anything till there is nothing running through my head except my thoughts. Then I resolve them. Takes time. Done correctly, you get to have an epiphany. Best of luck and have a nice day.

Marvin Grey said...

PS (Late comment):- My views are about changing routine, trying something new and finding out more about yourself to handle and make sense of it. As far as rest of it goes...Gemini :), this is you and few can match up to it, so why try and do something to that?

Bhumika's Boudoir said...

Hi Marvin,

Thank you. That really helps.

Only thing is, I always sound more agonized than I ever am. Just the writing is cathartic for me.

But so darned sweet of you to counsel so.

Oh what did I do to overcome whatever it was?

Called a friend who never fails to make me laugh (that helped) and worked on my best friend's birthday gift. Since he is very fond of wise sayings, that helped too.

And you are right, you can always come back home when you know it's there. It's there. That's very reassuring.

If that Gemini alluded to me, then no, I'm a cusp. :) Awful, imagine being twins and a bull! LOL.

Marvin Grey said...


Nice to know you bounced back. Gemini's do sound more agonized than they are and they bounce back much easier /faster than others. Mostly they just need to talk to purge their system. (I don't know why I did not remember this couple of days back..)

Those born under the sign of Virgo are always there to help and counsel others. Most people listen to us. I don't know why. I never fixed any problem of mine till date. If you ever see a guy on the roadside helping someone change a flat tire while a dog is biting his ass, that is Virgoan or Vegan (or it that used only for vegetarians?). Trust me, it is much simpler to change the tire then to deal with the dog. Not an astrologer.. I had read up a few signs on Linda Goodman's book to get to know myself and couple of people sometime back. I don't know much about Taurus.

I will sign off with a little local gossip incase you or your friends are cricket fans - Ishant Sharma was seen going into Ruby Tuesday couple of hours back. As the first Test nears, probably see a lot of them near that side of town. It is not much. But isn't it better than sitting thru a 5-day Test match?

Freethan Meignanam said...

Sweetie, things are going to be just fine.
I like the way you write.
I don't think there is a point in worrying if you make sense of what you write, after all you aren't writing a textbook.