Thursday, 14 October 2010

And the reason is you!

When I was around five, I had this vision of me as a 29 year old. The age I am now. I had this notion that I would be a doctor who helped birth babies and I saw myself as a tall, fair woman, slender, in a bottle green saree and a big bindi. 

The dream aged with time. I added a loving family - a husband, children, a very happy mother-in-law and a very content father-in-law and loads of relatives. A single child, growing up with borrowed cousins (kids who weren't really of your blood) made you dream all sorts of (what today seems like asinine) things.

Only the big bindi and love for sarees have turned true. So yes, I used to have boringly conventional dreams and ambitions. Be a surgeon, marry, make your own babies, grapple with family and a career - though because it was a dream it would all be remarkably easy and there would be no grappling. 

Reality, we all know, is nothing like that. 

And I am no longer a naive five or a twenty-seven year old. Because I naively thought that I could make the woman, whom I considered prospective mom-in-law happy even when I was the ripe old age of twenty-seven! I'll never forget how I apologised to her for no fault of mine and how I invited her out for lunch not once, but twice. Shudder. Shudder. 

I've heard from sources like mom and other assorted conventional thinkers lately that they are worried about my life - its conspicuous lack of a husband, my irreverence towards the world. My loud booming laughter when even a short smile would most likely be inappropriate. My cleavage.

Apparently there are people who are concerned about my future and there are those who are waiting for me to take the fall so they can gloat and laugh and feel good about how their boring conventionality eventually won. 

And while this is not an explanation or a competition, it is a reassurance. I want to tell everyone the way it is simply because I feel like it. And do remember that you have done nothing to deserve it. 

I have a responsibility I enjoy - looking after my parents. It is very rewarding and spiritually satisfying. This also means I never have to join any bloody religion. 

I have a family (again not related by any ties of blood, thank God) that will always be by my side

I have friends and acquaintances whom I can hang out, enjoy a few drinks and laughter with. Oh and the most scandalous of all - the occasional cigarette. 

My health might just get better in a couple of months or at least in a year.

I have great emotional fulfillment and stability thanks to a constant relationship with two men who mean the world to me. And to whom I shall forever be indebted to for the way they first held a mirror to my life, and then held me when I crumbled at the vision it presented. And they are really the reason I am the person I am today.

These men are better than any husband any woman could have because they really treat me as if I were indeed a queen. And they don't mind at all that I nag them, bully them, blackmail them emotionally, show them transparently and shamelessly how needy I am. 

It's incredible but true - they love me in spite of all this. And I have never had to play hard to get. Or play any other sort of game that a woman typically needs to, to get men to fall in love with her. 

And I'd do anything for them. Even change to a conventional woman were they to ask that of me. But the beauty is that they never will because they think I'm super cool any which way I am. 

And I am hoping someday they will love me and my baby the same amount and we can really be a family, because I never knew I could love someone, let alone two people, as much as I love them both.

So, yes, I will have a child without waiting for a man to appear on the horizon and making it all about joint-accounts and a disgruntled mother-in-law. 

So in other words, 'Guess what, I am happy. I do live a colourful life. This was not my dream either but I am so bloody glad that it is my life now. And no, nothing you imagine will ever get you close to the truth that my life is. And I don't regret a single thing. And I am bloody perfect as I am. And now please take a flying fuck!'


Rheea said...

Brilliantness I tell you. You are limitless sky with your words ;) Make those damn babies now, So I can babysit, coz you can have babies without a husband but not without a babysitter !!

Bhumika's Boudoir said...

LOL, darling Rheea, of course. A single mom with no babysitter is unheard of! And considering I've seen how good you and Arun are, they will probably grow up at your place. :)

Marvin Grey said...

You seem to have been very clear with what you wanted at 5. I could not choose between being Captain of a starship or own a giant robot. Both thanks to shows on DD. I was sure about one thing. The next year I would get a dog like my neigbhour's. The breeds of the dogs have changed over the years but I have not been able to get a dog yet. I am partial to a Beagle now. The Captain of new star trek series has one that is not too small.

I have a reason and an excuse for everything that I am today except the dog. I should have had a dog long before now.

Bhumika's Boudoir said...

I know. I was. MG. I hated being a kid. I couldn't wait to grow up and do things. Now, of course, I act like such a child, or so they tell me.

You should get a dog. But I'm not too fond of Beagles. I'm very traditional. I like German Shepherds probably because we had one when I was a kid. They are loving, intelligent and ferocious.

If you had a dog, I suspect you'd be very different from what you are now. :) There is always that. But I do like you a lot anyway. So there is that too. :) I was reading your blog posts on google reader today and found them highly entertaining. You should post more often.

GK said...

It's funny how we come to a full circle and realize that we were perfect the way we started. Even more glad that you stuck to your big bindi and beautiful sarees. For the likes of us, darling, "larger than life is the right size!"

Bhumika's Boudoir said...

Well said, GK. And it's obvious, I'll never be satisfied with just one man considering "larger than life is the right size!" So it's all perfect. Alimony from you, love from them. Life's so bloody good. :P Muah.
P.S. I love you even if we are exes now.

Marvin Grey said...

There was never a doubt that you were a dog person. I knew that from the first blog I read of yours. You had to be. I cant get cat people and tend to dislike them.

I wanted a German Shepherd too. One of my relatives has two large German Shepherds. During my last visit, I found that when an over excited German Shepherd is on hind legs and pawing, he is almost as tall as me. Plus, he has got huge teeth and paws!!

You are right that I might have been different. My baby sister (15 years younger) thinks I would have been less pouncy with her (affectionately speaking) as those born in the year of the Tiger, if I had another outlet like a pet dog.

I cant believe you saying that about my blog. I just reread my dumb list for drunk blogging. It made no sense to me. Incidentally, I have been a bit drunk during most of my blogs. I have not had a drink for 3 weeks now.

Bhumika's Boudoir said...

Oh I like cats too, MG. Just a little weary of them.

I'm not making that up about your blog. Some of the old posts are genuinely funny. And I like drunken writing or stoned writing. In my case, it's always the painkillers talking. :)

Get a German Shepherd, he is scary only to those who don't belong to him.

Eveline said...

On this issue, my libertarian sensibilities absolutely agree with you. I do think the easiest and wisest thing to do would be to stay away from marriage. But that's just me, and apparently you. :)

In my opinion, if someone wants to live with a gnome for the rest of their life they should be able to, but since it isn't human we don't have to recognize it. But, I do believe people should be allowed to love who they want, and live how they want. If everyone involved is happy, then I can't see why there's anything wrong with it.

Bhumika's Boudoir said...

Eveline, I just want to say: Yes. Absolutely.