Monday, 6 December 2010

Ms, you just made a big mistake!

In happy news, French teacher whom I bitched about so much has turned over a new leaf and is actually quite fun. We are all (teacher included) playing Secret Santa in class. And after bunking around 13 classes, I finally went to class today to get an education. And I did. Such a one!

Today a girl in my class just casually said about another classmate, 'I'm sure he's gay.'
So I said, 'How do you know that?'
So she says, 'He's very weird.' And added, 'He's also thin, so you can make out.'

A couple of weeks back, another classmate had said just as casually, 'He's so gay. I don't like him.' Again I was aghast and partly amused. I said, 'How do you know that?' She said, 'I just get the feeling. He's so tall and huge. I'm sure he's gay.'

The thing is these girls didn't really mean anything by it. It's just learned behaviour.

Bangalore has been busy turning rainbow for the past ten thousand weeks. All sorts of creative, cultural events have been organized to show the world that 'We are here, we are queer; just deal with it.'

But only people who anyway believe sexuality to be an intensely personal choice get that and attend these events. And that's so self-defeating because they love their L or G or B or T friends anyway.

Interactions like the ones with my classmates have taught me very useful things about how a 'normal' man/woman can spot a gay.

A gay maan is tall and thin.
A gay maan is dumpy and wears sweaters and has a stubble.
A gay maan always acts weird.
A gay maan wears a Superman t-shirt but it sticks to his body.
A gay maan laughs.
A gay maan drinks his coffee and tea with his friends.
A gay maan always, always has a favourite colour.
A gay maan secretly likes women but is too scared to do anything about it so he starts to tell the world that he loves men instead.
A gay maan has clean nails.
A gay maan has no wrist bone.
A gay maan might have a boyfriend!
A gay maan needs to buy groceries.
A gay maan has blood that is a different colour. Yes, really.
A gay maan likes music.
A gay maan watches plays.
A gay maan might read or write a book.
A gay maan eats at Koshys (restaurant in Bangalore) on weekends.
A gay maan watches movies!
A gay maan dances!
A gay maan uses the internet!
A gay maan watches TV!
A gay maan is good-looking!

Now for the gay womans:

A gay womans has short hair.
A gay womans has stubby nails.
A gay womans is always sad because she couldn't find a man and now she has to love women.
A gay womans smokes.
A gay womans is tall and thin.
A gay womans is dumpy and wears sweaters and has facial hair.
A gay womans always acts weird.
A gay womans needs to buy groceries.
A gay womans has blood that is a different colour. Yes, really. 
A gay womans likes music.
A gay womans watches plays.
A gay womans might read or write a book.
A gay womans eats at Koshys (restaurant in Bangalore) on weekends.
A gay womans watches movies! 
A gay womans watches TV!
A gay womans dances!
A gay womans uses the internet!
A gay womans has tattoos and what not!

Now a bisexual man/woman does all the above - but twice.

As for the transexual or transgendered maans/womans:
They like saris.
They clap their hands.
They have moustaches.
They wear make-up.
They beg.
They steal.
They lie.
They sell their bodies and corrupt peoples.

Some commonalities:
They are all cursed.
They all like Cher, Scissor Sisters, burlesque art/movies, Lady Gaga.
They are all promiscuous.
They all cry.
They all bleed.
They all always have AIDS and other STDs.
And they all die. Only not fast enough for the 'normal' man/woman whose world they corrupt so irrevocably.

And now that we all know how not to be a gay, let's watch this.

Related gay posts:
How very dare you!
Queer as folk!

P. S. It is as MG says, A gay maan is always big.


Marvin Grey said...

I was just watching SITC episode about the 20 something girls and 30 something women. I get the feeling that they were 20 somethings making a quick 'judgement' call. I might be a bit prejudiced after watching the episode but I do know many 20 somethings who are not like that. I know atleast one 27 year old who is way more mature than this 30+ year old.

You forgot to add...

A gay maan is big.
(You know they are thinking it)

I saw the post about Sunday March and I slept late that day. Even freaked out my mom when I said I was going. But I didn't. I don't think it says anything good about me.

Suresh said...

My guess is all these assumption of Gay men /women were made by women. From my experience, if a girl likes a person and he does not show any interest in her, he is automatically termed as gay and if a girl doesn’t like one of her own gender, she brands her a bitch and a Gay.
Did anyone notice that men accept gays in the society easily than women?
Something to ponder about

Bhumika's Boudoir said...

MG, I didn't go for the Pride March after elaborate plans of going either. I feel a little bad but not too much. I was terribly preoccupied
deciding if I ought to get drunk on red or white wine. White won. I was too depressed that day.

Suresh, you must pardon me, but I have to do this. Hahahahaha.