The past few days, letting my mind experience that absolute bliss that can only come from non-caring has ensured that I can finally just be.
And so, being me, I want to do. Something.
And today, I went shopping. Vatsala and I went to Dastakar (first day first show) and helped them set up the stalls. An Andhra man told me I was too short to wear long-bordered saris and refused to give me a discount. I am so at peace that I wasn't even ticked off about the short comment. Besides, Vat was so offended for both of us! She said, "What are you talking about height? You are as tall as her and if you say she is short then so are you." It felt so good to have someone stand up for me even though I didn't really need it. And I don't blame the man. Like I told Vat, if he'd said anything about my weight now, then I'd have had to sit on him. So this was fine.
She said I am always looking for the good side, the bright side. Which is true, and so I ended up waiting impotently for a glimmer of remembered/imagined goodness and drove myself almost to death.
But here I am now, peaceful, refusing to catch things flung at me, refusing to join theatre classes with pseudo-intellects, refusing to smoke cigarettes, or even speak the "f" tongue that Vatty tried all day to teach me.
And then I went shopping with Gayatri and bought new clothes. (And Vat if you are reading, bleddy bitch, I now invariably add a Vihar after her name).
A simple day.
Good friends, coffee, conversation, shopping, it felt normal. The world seemed familiar yet new as if I were released from prison. I even noticed the weather today and it was gorgeous. The wind whipped just right; and the air blew so perfectly cool; and the sun hid just so, behind pretty grey clouds.
It was exhilarating. A word I never hoped to use again in my life.
I was so strangely afraid that once I let myself get free, I would lose who I was or at least the best parts of me. But no, I'm still me with the love for ethnic saris and bright colours and classy jewellery and the weather just before it rains.
It's nice to be alive and free. Even if you just don't know what to do with it suddenly.
So, I'll open a school, I think. But I will tell you all about it when it's more than just an idea.