Thursday, 20 August 2009

Exclusive dirt for all my readers!

I'm feeling popular and not unlike a celebrity.

I'm wondering what will it be next? Morphed images of some nude girl with my face on it?

So there are all these people apparently discussing me at my previous place of work. I even have a name now - some kid called Pushpa Raunaq and her friends. How do I know? My source is Anand Srinivasan from ES who always manages to overhear talk about me. Any one who wishes to debate Pushpa and her conversations may please do so with Mr. Srinivasan.

(Of course, I am taking all stories with a pinch of salt. Except the one I am about to tell you. I doused that out with some pepper spray.)

And all these strange women/spammers leaving comments that sort of seem appropriate responses to my blogs. I mean, what, the world suddenly has intelligent spammers, is that it?

Or as my friend Gopic told me, they probably don't have the sodding balls to show the world who they really are. I don't blame them, really. If such a sidey person as that Anamika chick really exists and if I were to be such a person, I'd hate to let people know my real identity as well. I'd much rather they think of me as a pill!

And then this mail I get from Ms. Deena Gohil, single, 30 (ah no, she'd be 31 now considering she got in touch with me last year and that was when she was 30) living in Mumbai, a follower of my blog apparently and now an aquaintance on FB who scans my pictures on FB and in all her god-given honesty tells me that I look great but I'd look so much more great if I lost some weight. Such touching concern!

So I got into razor tongue mode and Britished her out.

And I conclude that I am writing to the dullest readers ever! And since most of you clearly don't get the message in my blog posts, here's a repeat lesson for free.

But really, readers, what part of, "learn some manners before you speak to another person," do you not understand? I mean, I am tired of writing blog posts with similar themes.

And why were you not taught the ethic all the decent people I know follow? No matter, learn it now, say it a few times to yourself each day, and soon you will be following it. It's easy and magic!

"Do not pass comments on someone's appearance unless you have something nice to say. And certainly don't bother telling people outside your family how to lead their fucking lives!"

I don't even tell my family how to lead their lives. But let's start small with you little guys, huh?

Really, do yourselves a favour and get yourselves a life, darlings.

And if you don't want to do it for yourselves at least do it for me, my darling, darling fans (considering all publicity is good publicity and all that). I beg you, do it for me. Do it for your ideal, this beautiful, happily buxom Goddess of yours who is sitting in her boudoir and writing a few strange stories and a few inconsequential tales to satisfy and express herself. And may be, just may be, make the world a more decent place though that would just be a side-benefit.

And don't make me put a freaking permanent disclaimer on my blog to that effect.

Hang on a minute, do you think single, 31, Ms. Deena Gohil wants to have a roaring affair with me, is that why she wants me to lose weight?
Damn, so close! So close I was to getting laid!

Disclaimer to all the people I've just insulted in this post:
Yes, I mean it. Now sod the fuck off!

And lovers, you know this isn't for you.

P.S. An hour after publishing this post, as a deserving celebrity, I have been threatened with dire consequences if I don't remove Mr. Srinivasan's name from the post who nevertheless swears the stories he told me were true. Apparently, it's to do with a right to privacy. Now, isn't that ironic? If I die before I wake, you know whom to catch. And if I have a lawsuit, well, we know who will win, don't we?

God, please, peoples, get a life outside of me. Much obliged, thank you.


GK said...

ROFL!!! I envy you! Like every true celebrity you have spineless back-talkers, empty threats and concerned emails from low-life. You're a celebrity in every single possible sense of the word.

Wouldn't be surprised if I see you on page 3 of Bangalore Times tomm!

Anamika Mazumdar said...

bye bye bimbo..we had our fun while it lasted..we know this won't make it but you saw it..:-)

Bhumika's Boudoir said...

Oh look! It's not spam. (Breathes a sigh of relief) Lowlife exists! :)

Ruta Gohil said...

Don't write about my sister in that fashion !

Basically Blah said...

Yeah! You tell 'em! *Waving purple pompoms*

*snigger* I like how the comment that wouldn't make it, made it :D

Bhumika's Boudoir said...

Ummm, Ruta Gohil, I just have!
And Christ, did you not read my post? Looks like incomprehension is something the sisters have in common, huh?

Love, simply love, the purple pompoms, thank you, BB.:)

Ruta Gohil said...

why don't you admit that you are fat?my sis was right about you.