Well, I've done what was – even until a couple of months ago – unimaginable to me.
I resigned from my job!
And now I'm sitting and dealing with the panic that the thought of a few days of rest and relaxation always induces in me.
I know the panic is here to stay – at least for a while.
It began with this really deep need to smoke. (And for the past two years, I haven't really felt like smoking – ever.) And then this desire to go sit by myself in a coffee shop and drink hot coffee. (I hate hot coffee in coffee shops. And I hate eating/drinking by myself in a public place.)
And then the ultimate sign - the need to wear black (including black nail polish), high heels, and go to aforesaid coffee shop with smoky eyes to hide that fact that I’ve been sleeping little and crying lots.
When you are doing all that you possibly can at work—when you’ve made friends with nearly everyone in the company starting from the ‘Good morning, did you have a good shift?’ address to the security team to being on, ‘Oh hello there, and what’s with you?’ terms with the Directors of the place; and you laugh a lot and work lots more; and generally know everything about everyone—it’s one hell of a kick. Even if there isn’t a huge pay cheque at the end of the month.
But then sometimes, it’s also a dead end because it’s all so effortless.
Add to this the fact that the man you are nuts about is actually paying you some attention, at least somewhat, life becomes positively easy.
When everything becomes easy (being the drama queen I am), I like to make it complicated – at least a bit.
And being the perfectionist I am, I do a bloody good job of complicating my life.
So I quit.
And here I am now – with no job; a man who’s always singing, Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps; nothing to wear except this pair of gorgeous high heels (which I really can't wear because it's raining all the time), dying for a smoke and a hot cup of coffee and thinking, “Oh my God, what next? I’m alone and may be in a few years, I really will be a 35 something single woman who is all about work.”
Looks like I’m in celebration mode. I’m nearly single, and absolutely jobless, and abso-fucking-lutely fabulous!
I love change. By itself, it’s healthy, fine, and just what the doctor ordered. I just hate that once you decide to change, you also have to learn to live with it.
It will all fall into place, I'm sure.
Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps!